THIS WAS A DRAFT ….. i am publishingit now ..finished or not


When i was pregnant with you ….. I was surprised …. shocked … in awe of what all was gonna happen to me my body and my life ….. Never would I have even grasped the impact you would have on me ….. MY son …. my 1st child … first boy that was suppose to be ( 3 ultrasounds) a little girl named MaryJane Elizabeth but you came out definitely not a girl …

You had this way about you …. this little rolling thing it felt like … putting playdoh on your belly then hanging some one slowly roll it up and back down .. with a rolling pin …. Or one of the car wash buffers… you got your foot caught some where between my hip and my ligament one time … and it hurt so bad that i went to the ER and all they could tell me to do was STRETCH ….. the baby will move …. and you did … I use to watch “A wedding Story” on TLC a lot and an amazing amount of cooking shows … even though FOOD network hadn’t been invented yet … “Great Chefs” ( i even watched it while giving birth) I loved tuna until I got about 5 months in to the pregnancy and .. BLAM-o it was awful …. ( still to this day I detest tuna) I talked a lot on the internet to people about pregnancy …. I was in chat rooms and message boards and all the others things the internet provided…. I loved it … i loved being pregnant … i loved looking pregnant …. well when i was 6 1/2 months …. (that is when i really started showing)

A beautiful redheaded little man. Awkwardly handsome and alert…. like a baby bird peepin out of the nest.

Out of “It”

THIS WAS A DRAFT ….. i am publishingit now ..finished or not



Well back to being mom ….   I am out of school …..  I have earned my AA in communications and I will will be walking down  the aisle In May 07… they only have one ceremony a year … So even if i had a job that needed the AA paper …. i dont get it till later … Anyways ..

So i am back at home …..and today was my first day doing it all alone again … joe slept with the baby and i worked with the boys …. i did it pretty dang well i might Add ….  and Jaydn wants me to come to chool on Wednesdays …. so i will be going  at 1:25 and staying till school is out …  that should be cool … it is too hard with zacks class, for me to help out ….



THIS WAS A DRAFT ….. i am publishingit now ..finished or not

 Breaking ….. apart …. seams busting ….stuffing falling out … house falling down … laundry piling up . … always 2 more loads … time for others .. not avaiable… open wounds .. yelling … others issues let you get away from your own …. 18 months is not a good age …. i love her but it is scary for us ….. AUTISM … Allergic to the cold .. how could this be … no to the summer swimming no to the lake no to the boy he loves to be … guess we needed a fuller plate … a way to show that we need to step it up .. finish old projects and open up for new… how do you explain death to a 7 yr old .. how do not blame your self for the hurt they see … or feel …. for anxiety ….you guve them your problems though the blood you feed them with …. the blood that kept them alive as you carried them but it has toxins … sooooo sorry …. sorry to them . i love them … but i hurt them from the beginning ….I just need them to know .. i am sorry …. I would have always had them just hoped for the best ….they got better then most .. i just can’t explain why they had to get what they got … Erythema Multiforma …. anxiety ….. Autism …… BREATHE DAMN YOU don’t leave me to do this alone…..

This is an email that i emailed a dear friend …. i have included no names for the sakeof ummm duh …. ANyways . i hadt post it ….. i had an awful day and lost it …. cried and everything but i have to share it .. for me and for … what ever drives me ….. i had such a great minute and a half this morning fillingout a bulletin about my highschool years and it was great but the shocker today came when ..some oen said that they thought i was Judgemental to a fault and that i was judging them unfairly ….. well i actually heard it second hand .. he would never had said that to me directly …. and for all of 2 second i doubted my self ….. I doubted that i had the right to be who i am and dfress the way i want to dress and be open and honesty about my intentions and my thoughts…. That is what i need to be and i have people relying on the truth … or the truth I see ….. not that i am the all knowing .. but i have pretty much been there done that …… I have seen it or did it my self and if i don’t know i will gladly do a poll or reasearch it for you …… I had to get this out …. i think i will feel better and be more emotionall sound …. well as good as could be expected ….

I have no idea what i am even writing about . but after we talked i felt ….. out of touch …. out of place …. old and boring …. I felt singled out and judged upon …. in a negative light .. none if it is you … or can be changed by you …. It is my own inner shit that i kick … for ven thinking about needing to change for him who he is is besdie the point …. he is just a guy that happends to be dating a girl that ( I ) have found a kindred spirit in … How ever the feelings i get are hurtful and unwelcomed …. I have spent many years being the impressor .. ( military wife) and I am not living this life for that anymore …. I say it like it is .. And i know it might smack me sometimes … but i do … I feel that Being a mom makes me older and out of touch with some of what is going on … but i also feel like .. when my kids get here … to this point … teenagers … I will be a great mom …. I have knowledge to share and ways of allowing them to be who they need to be with out being a people pleaser … I need to be me .. and i know that you have no problem with that …. but … To be I need to not be around him …. so that not to interfer with your relationship …. I need to be me …. and i know YOU need me to be me …. and ot to boast but alot of people need me to be ME ….. so if i shy away from talking to you once her is around …. sorry …. i am not judging him .. nor do i think i am to good to be around you when he is there …. I am just not about conflict and would hate to cause it …. so i will be me …. and allow him to think what ever it is he wants to .. about me / my judgment / and why i stay away ….. i would ove to be excepted in any group on campus …and i don’t think i would have much problem .. if he didnt have issues ….. But that again would be a perfect world and it isn’t ……

I just switched from Lexapro to Zoloft for 6 weeks to kinds give my body a new outlook .. kinda like changing your shampoo but then after 6 weeks iam to go back on to the Lexapro …. They say there is not much diffrence in The 2 but i think there is ….. Lexapro last longer … and in the morning i dont have to fight away emotional crap at 5:45 am before the bus ….. With Zoloft I seem to cry more …. not that that is a problem all the time but it can be some what of a nuisance .. Yes i prefer to cry at sad things .. it makes me feel real … acknowledging that i am still alive and feeling … But to cry at almost everything … thank goodness for the man i have …. he never has an issue about me crying. I still have 4 weeks left …. to stay on the Zoloft … but it feels kinda like the Shampoo i chose to clean my hair of the old residue .. is causing more issues ten not …. it is like Tar paper … I think when things go right I don’t like it .. i am not in my comfort zone … I am use to chaos but when it isn’t there anymore … i am lost … Not that i like the chaos .. but when something you normally stress about goes away .. it just leaves room for the ones you have been ignoring to creep up and bite you square in the ass.

I know i sound like i need therapy …. but I don’t at least not yet … I just need to reprocess … to remember that i have limitations and i can not multi task well ….. I know that but I am still soo hard on my self when things do not get done that i have on my list … I need to slow down …. but life is a fast paced thing … and I need to get school out the way before i can start to do the things i enjoy ..to catch up with those i miss and get stable again … I like being able to chit chat with a friend and remember to call her back …. to have time to think of other things … I know that 2 Saturdays a month are mine .. from 2pm -10pm but it is still a stressor time …. scrap booking is far from the easiest thing … pressure … get away from my self pressure …… in progresss …… we will be back

Passions and Needs

Taking pictures of tattoos ….. I have seen the most amazing artwork …. It is like some of the talent in graffiti. I think if i had a friend that would like to waste some ink .. i would get many more tattoos ….. i have ideas floating around in my head ….. My husband …. well he would love it if i loved it … as long as i am not Marring myself and changing me…….. He is one of my biggest supporters …… Well i guess you could say he is my biggest ..

( my mom is a give in * in my family at least) But if it is a passion i have … no matter how long it lasts or how far i go with it he supports me in what it is i need to get, find… what ever it is .. he is there to help out … encourage or just plain tell me if it sucks …. or I am just being to hard on myself …
I would love to write ….. my mom wants me to write a book …. before she dies that is what she wants …. I love to write when i want to write ….. and when i want to …. But to have a deadline is a tough thing for me …. it is a procrastinators time bomb … but it works for me …. shhhhh actually I write the best when i have a set time … but it takes soo much energy to write that it drains me emotionally and physically ….

I have a passion to scrapbook …. Mine i very Mommy scrapbooking … but it still works ..

As i said above .. i have a passion to take photographs …. True to life … life as it goes by .. old, young, small, large. Colorful and mute i need to be-able to manipulate the photos to my liking … to hang them up in a house full of color and relax….

I need to work on my reading ….. i need reading .. it fuels me … it gives me strength to go through everyday and not care… But when reading time is lost … i am lost .. I need the escape …

I need to go some where …. to be something ….. I will not have all the responsibilities that i have right now … forever I need to know what we( Joe and I ) are going to when we get OLD ….. or what I am gonna do … what my mom is going to do …

I have a passion for theater …. i am not sure if it is stage work or acting ….. It needs to build it’s self again …. to blossom in to a new ME.. It has been a long time and many years of change since the stage was a part of my life .

I need to feel comfortable in my skin ….. I need to wear what i feel comfortable in and fix my hair in styles that don’t have to look Adult like ….. they don’t have to be what everyone else expects of my at my age and with children …. I want to be goth one day preppy the next and still be OK with PJ’s in the grocery store….. I need to get back to me …. to be comfortable in my skin … in the Me I am …

I have a want, need,desire to be sexy again ….. to feel like i can just show it all and it is what it should be…. He loves me for me … i know that …. no doubt …. but the ME inside isn’t to sure what to do to make this body move sexy .. with out * baby baggage* moving in ways not so flattering … or arms that jiggle don’t catch me off guard and i sop what i am doing … to gaze their way ….

I need to advocate for my kids … to get the things done for them … and be proud i did it ….. to feel like i made a difference… I need to advocate for my husband and get some treatment …. to get back to taking care of my family…..

I need to come to grips with my flashbacks …. know that they are there for a reason … and revisit them when they come ….. They are there not to hurt me but to protect me …. I know those bad times are a thing of the past and will never happen to me again …. because of who i choose as my company …. but i need to be ok with the flashbacks..l to embrace them as a forward shining light …. just reminding me of where i have been and how far I have gotten ….

I need to make sure my little girl grows up to see i am human and yet i am a mom …. so showing her care might not always be how or what she wanted but i will be there to guide her …. to show her that a victim It’s for ever shamed …. and that TRUE LOVE is just the beginning of the movie …… it never dies and never goes away ….
To teach my boys that woman might be different but we are different for a reason …. not just to frustrate them and cause them grief … but to show that what they know and to learn what they( as men) teach …. it is important to have a balance … I hope to show them that with the help from Joe ….. If lance had it in him .. he would do it …. but he has a need in life too … and that is to not fulfill the underdog/black sheep role that was placed on him long ago ….. and I see that that is the most important to deal with right now …. to Make something of himself .. to show them all … they were wrong … But i want to teach the boys that sometimes in life choices are made for you by your decisions and with OUR ( Joe, mine and lances) as their parents … they will get all the outside information and help they need … and support them all the way ….

To be OK with my progression …. Lupus wise and otherwise …. to know that even if you get older it just means you learn more in life it also means the inevitable and i need to be OK with that …

I have many more passions and Needs but i will leave this one at that … Being true andreal to my self and sharing this only a select few … It is a much needed therapy …

You know…. When you get married after having children and being a single parent … you get use to having to do it on your own ..When people visit you and help you out with your kids you get spoiled…You forget how to do it all… Or any of it…. Since I have been with Joe…. I have forgotten a lot … not that his help is not appreciated but…. It makes it hard when I am alone with the kids… When my mom moved in…. it made it worse as well…. I had to ask how and what she makes my son “MY SON” for lunch for school… Granted she feeds his need to have no change…. His stability is one thing but… he freaks out if the routine is changed and I have spent quite a bit of time in his younger years…. to make sure he is ok with subtle change … or sporadic differences in things that wont throw his whole day off … but she give him the same thing every morning and every afternoon….. And it actually makes it harder for me …… I might be a Virgo … but I am definitely not and organized thought-out person ….. I like life to be a lil different…. Colorful is what I say …I love their help … and love their support and love for the kids …. But I feel like a complete shmuck when I try to pull off …. Just the littlest of tasks….. When it comes to all 3 or sometimes even just the boys … It hurts… Could I do it on my own …… my won CO- dependency would freak the hell out if they both left for the day and night ….. I mean I would feel accomplished in what ever I got done … but by the next day i would feel like I have to get done all the things they would have had done…. But it doesn’t work that way….. I use to have fun being a mom on my own …… yes my laundry was behind and my dishes were rarely done that day and if they were it was after the kids went to sleep …… But I had fun ……… I am not having fun….. My Co- dependant self is doing great … but the need to be able to do it on my own…. (With sick family, you never know what will happen) HMMM. Wake up…. I don’t parent like Joe (which might make it harder sometimes and easier others) I don’t parent just like my Mom ….. And that is the same as with Joe… My mom and I parent more like each other then Joe and I do.. (Just ask Joe)….. But it is hard to please everyone…. and be ok with myself too …

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes”.

The professor then produced two glass of water from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out strolling. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the tap. Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.